I have dreaded writing this, the minute I publish this…its reality. This has been one of the most difficult posts to write because it’s the end of a huge chapter in my life. It has changed how I have planned and envisioned my entire future along with my blog. I never thought there would be an end to us. Sorry it’s so long; I just hope that you can learn from my mistakes and prevent this in your relationships.
I finally let go after a month. That’s how long it took me…On his birthday I let go. I realized that I cannot hold on to something that is not mine. I cannot love something that does not love me back. I cannot change the past. So yesterday, I officially defriended him off FB. I deleted all conversations from my chat, emails, and phone. I had to take off all pictures on FB because it’s just a painful reminder. I will not delete our pictures from my computer. He is the past and he helped create the person I am today. There were so many good memories, that you can’t just erase them.
It’s been a year of first experiences for me, including battling with my first heartbreak. I have never experienced this before and unfortunately I wish I had the chance when I was younger. I think it would have made it a little easier. I was S’s first girlfriend, so he has not had any experience to handle a girlfriend or break-up. Any heartbreak is tough. It is so much easier for the person to do the breaking up as I did before, but when you are on the other end, you start falling apart.
It’s hard to accept, but as a wise friend told me, I was his training ground. He did not know how to handle treating a first girlfriend, but the next girl he’ll know exactly what to do. I just wish that girl with the fairy tale ending was me. It’s heart breaking when you dream that this man was my future husband. He was my world, I would have even converted to be with him. But I should have learned…another wise friend said…you should never love a man more than he loved you. I will take that lesson through my entire life now.
We both have made mistakes through the relationship. In the end, I need time to cut all contact in order to forget and move on. I need to find someone that loved me like he did the first year of dating. Eventually, I told him when I’m ready…I’ll reach back out to start a friendship…maybe 6 months, a year, 2 years down the road.
Before you say WTF! S is a good guy, he did so many things for me another man would not, but he was not happy with himself and it was the wrong time. He treated me well and that’s why I believed he would be my husband, he was actually a great guy. He drove 45-60 miles one way to see me for the past 2 years, he always took care of my needs, and he tried to be as romantic as he could be. He surprised me for my birthday; he came to all my random appointments including a traffic hearing. He was there for any difficult time in my life during the past two years. He gave me a fantastic 2 years filled with so much laughter.
But he’s never had the ability to make his own decisions. He has been controlled by his family, then me, or his friends. Over time, he lost himself and if he cannot love himself, how will he love another person. He started to doubt all of his own decisions including his decision to be in a relationship with me, the decision to be single forever or to marry. He was not in the mindset to get married and I was one of those girls who thought I could change that. Ladies…WRONG.
In another life, maybe S and I would have been together. He was honestly perfect in my eyes even with all the flaws and that’s what love is. We balanced each other so well. Each other’s half, both a little quirky, but a great couple.
I dated a lot after my MBA program, Cindy and I were just laughing about that on the phone at some of them. She said she wished she had a little bit of my charisma, I laugh because if I did, I would not be single. Some man would have already put a ring on it because he could not live without me.
That’s how I knew that I loved S and he was worth keeping. I’ve dated enough to know what I want. My mistake was not meeting S later when he had had 4 girls that has put him through the ringer for him to realize that I am an amazing girlfriend and would have been a great wife. Love is about luck and timing. Unfortunately, both luck and timing was not on my side.
After 2 years and putting every bit of my love into the man, even though I would have put more effort, I knew there was nothing else I could have done. Love cannot be one sided and I cannot be with someone that does not love me as much as I love him. I honestly would have done anything for him, my love really was unconditional.
If you are looking for the best diet, breaking up is the best thing to do. I lost 10 lbs without trying. For any of my single friends:
Break-Up Moves to Avoid:
• Texting and calling. I found out the blocked feature on a phone does not block you from calling out as I thought. I thought I blocked myself from sending him things in the heat of the moment, not true. I can write some mean things.
• Trying to reach out to the person. Seriously, I ambushed him at the gym. Yep, I’m not proud of it, but I needed answers.
• Writing novel emails. I’ve done them all. Not the proudest moments.
• Begging him back. It happens at the first few days, then telling him it’s not what you want. Again, it’s better to shut down because all your emotions are all over the place. It was so embarassing now that I look at it. I sent millions of emails, notes, phone calls telling him I’m sorry and that if I had another chance I would love him right.
• Reliving your relationship over and over again. What’s done is done.
• Trying to apologize for the past and saying that it’ll be better if we have one more chance. The past is the past.
Mistakes in my Relationship:
• I should have compromised time between me and his friends
• I should have been more compassionate. When he was going through issues, he did not feel like I listened and understood.
• Given him full attention. When I was with him, sometimes I would text or be on the computer and he felt neglected.
• Asked him questions about his schedule before I planned things.
• I should not have had unrealistic expectations. Whatever he gave me, I look back, I did always want more. I had an expectation of fairy tales and it made him feel like he was never good enough.
• Never raised my voice as often as I did. I was controlling at times.
• Never nagged…my nagging ended up reminds him of his mother
• Gave an ultimatum…Yep I did it. I gave him a deadline to put a ring on it or else. If you do, you better be prepared for the consequences. I was not.
Moments I wish I had back:
I had a hand in this as well. After 4 weeks of reflecting every possible thing I did wrong, our relationship was not perfect and there were moments if I could do anything take it back. I wonder if it would have changed our ending:
•Over and over, I pressured him to have me meet his mom even though she refused. If I did not pressure, maybe it would have happened more naturally. I was so obsessed with 1 thing…his marriage commitment. Well, he was much more of a partner than many husbands.
•I should have gone to every party that his friends invited us to. There were a few parties he chose to be with me and that are where his friendships fell apart.
•On our first Valentine’s Day, he drove 2 hours to see me and brought me a cake. I was happy, but then asked where my flowers were. He said he thought I hated flowers.
• He had a whole surprise planned for my birthday this year. I did not know he had a whole surprised plan, so I was upset where we were going for dinner.
•His 31st party. He was going through a rough time with his friends at the time, so I threw a surprise party without inviting all of them, but he posted it on FB and created so much hatred with the group.
• His best friend’s birthday party. He got way too out of hand and instead of taking care of him when he needed it, I was just annoyed. It’s ok for him to be loose once in a while.
• His best friend’s Dad’s funeral. He said that it was my choice and I was not comfortable since I was not that close to them, but I should have gone as his support.
• Distance. That man drove so far to date me. When deciding where I was living, I should have taken the option to be closer, find a middle ground.
• The moment things changed with his friends. I remember, we were all supposed to go to the lake house and something happened since I was also coming, maybe I was boring, IDK, but he stood up for me and that’s where things fell apart.
Things S Taught Me:
• Patience. I have never been more patient to the man who walks through a grocery store for hours or Target to look at every aisle.
• Dependence. I have always been so independent. I never needed a companion. After being with S, I realized, I would rather be dependent than independent. I think you need both, but life is more fabulous with a partner.
• Being free. I always have to have a plan. This man has no plans which are a blessing and a curse. You have to plan your life at some point.
• Relaxing. I always have to be on the go. With him, I learned to just sit and watch a movie. He always makes me play dead.
• Focusing on someone else’s needs. Wow, this is the most important thing. I cared about his needs more than mine. Making him happy was what made me happy, I would do anything to make him happy.
• Looking past a façade. I always dated a very specific type of guy, S was the opposite and that was because when it came down to the end of the day, his personality and kindness overshadowed everyone else.
• Taking life less seriously. I have always had a plan in life, a 2 year plan LOL. He taught me to smell the roses, laugh, and enjoy each moment. Thank you for that.
Things I Learned About Myself:
• I never knew I could love so deeply. Soheil really taught me that you can love a person so much more than yourself and you could love so deeply. I never even knew that you could miss someone so much.
• Emotional. He is the first man I’ve cried for.
• Caring. I never knew I could be so thoughtful.
• Committing. I never ever committed to one man. I always dated and after a few dates either stopped texting or moved on. He’s the first man who I said, no more games.
• Stronger than I thought. He left and I am still ok. I am empty and hallow at times, but I can still function.
Things I will look for in the next man:
1. Introduce you to his family
2. Introduce you to his friends
3. Wants to be married with a plan (S wanted marriage and kids too, but no plan)
4. Wants kids with a plan
5. Make you his #1
6. Will pay for you and want to provide for you without asking. If you want to pay, you can, but mainly it is him.
7. Always compliment you and hold your hand
8. Dances with you at every party
9. Know exactly what he wants
10. Love you unconditionally when you lose your job, break a leg, cry…
11. Never leaves you when things are rough. You sit and discuss your problems and come up with a solution as a partnership
12. Be 100% sure that he will always be your emergency contact
When this all happened, I seriously asked myself what was wrong with me. How is it that my entire life is so well put together and I cannot find a man who loves me? I felt broken.
I thought I was so alone and who would be my emergency contact, I realized my friends are the best people in the world and I would like to thank them. It is definitely not fun to be with a friend who is in a “boo” type mood, but this is when you know you have true friends. Those are the friends who are there when you are super happy go lucky and when your world is starting to fall apart.
• Sanam- Coming over with a bottle of wine and feeding me salad. She has listened to every regret I’ve had, every small breakdown, she has been there.
• Polly- Dragging her cute little kiddies over to visit me at my house
• Desiree- Making me come to a party and checking on me.
•Tahir- Calling me out of the blue to make sure I’m ok. He always knows what to say to make me better.
• Idalia- Making me come for a walk with her to talk through everything
• Alyssa- She has always been my rock
• Lisa-Constantly checking in even when I was not ready to talk
• Juju- Checking in all the way from England each day to make sure I was ok
• Ermelinda- Comforting me each day
• Sunmeel- Telling me to come up immediately and to sleep over there and he’ll take my mind off of things.
• Cindy- Spending an hour on the phone sharing her lessons from all her past loves and giving me hope at the end of the tunnel that there will still be the right guy. She also reminded me of the days when I had a million men after me to remind me that it is possible.
• David- Sending me cute pictures to make me smile and reassure me that another Prince Charming will come.
• Mike- Made me come down to the Silver Diner so he could feed me pancakes and make sure everything was ok. He was the first person, I just hugged for a really long time while I cried
• Mike C-Mike Coe…such a good friend. Calls me each night to make sure I’m ok. He was beyond considerate to helping me through this time emotionally.