This is probably one of the most difficult posts I’ve had to write, but I also know it has played a big part in my life and many of you know, as a blogger, your life is an open book and as part of my promise to all of my friends, I will always write from the heart. By writing this, it means another chapter closed and a time to rebuild again.
There has truly only been two men my life other than my father and my best guy friends who have really impacted my life. The first was S and the second was A. When I loved S, I thought that was what unconditional love was. S gave up a lot to be with me, including endless fights with his parents.
But what I can say is that the relationship with A, as misguided and rocky as it was, it definitely taught me how to love much deeper than before. I loved A when he had nothing but 2 suitcases to his name, a few thousand in the bank account, and he was a work in progress with his career and even his own wants. One day he wanted to stay here, the next day he wanted to go back home, and the next day he wanted us to move to Wyoming to open a restaurant with his uncle. It was a roller coaster and I stood by his side with every decision.
I wasn’t going to write a good-bye because it was a horrible ending as many of my friends know, but I read through my good-bye to S a few days ago. I had actually forgotten it was there and stumbled across it. I read it and it didn’t make me sad at all, it didn’t bring out any type of emotions except the fact that I have come so far since then.
S and I were together for 2.5 years, A and I maybe all together about a year, we had a few falling outs in between, which is why the relationship wasn’t ever public. And my mistake was after I broke it off, I let it continue for 4 months as he reached back out swearing he didn’t do what I thought he did. It just wasn’t stable, but the depth and the severity of the hurt from the end of this relationship out shadowed any feelings that I had felt with S. But A did exist for a small role in my life and it’s funny, when I was with him, I couldn’t imagine life without him, now I wish I hadn’t ever met him and life would have been better without him.By writing this letter, I hope others who have gone through a toxic and unhealthy relationship can first off understand, it has nothing to do with you. For the longest time I asked myself what was wrong with me, I wanted answers, I wanted to know what I could have changed. I justified his actions. Let me repeat there is nothing wrong with you and after you realize that and let go of the relationship, it’s like a Phoenix and you will rise again and become a new person, a better person, the person I want to be for the next person.
Here is my letter…
You will never fully understand the damage you have done. The pain you have caused or the scars you have left on my heart. This was the last picture I have of us together and it’s painful to know that everything was a lie. You didn’t fit my checklist at first, but for whatever reason, I fell for you and I fell hard. I didn’t expect it, I didn’t even think twice after I left our first date at M.S. Grill. I was single, having fun, I wasn’t necessarily looking for someone to date long term, and I even showed up almost 20 minutes late. That’s how committed I was. I asked you to meet me at the fountain, you didn’t even know what the fountain was. You thought it was a restaurant, and when you told me that a few months after, I thought it was endearing.
Honestly, at first I had no expectations and as weeks flew by, you cooked for me every day, you brought me roses just because, you even got your brows threaded for me. Anything I asked of you, you did with a smile. I still remember the first time you brought the roses, it was winter, as I opened the door, and you blew a breath to the window and drew a heart. At that moment, not only did you draw it on the window, you drew it on my heart.
I broke off communication with all other men to be with you. I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting you. You didn’t know I turned down someone else who was ready to give me everything including the house, ring, and a new Mercedes for you and the extent of angry text messages after I told them good luck in life. But my heart belonged to you and I took the risk to close my eyes and fully jump in a relationship with you.
Every morning was a text saying good morning baby, you couldn’t wait to come to my house after I got home with work, you told me everything in your life including the loss of your mom. You told me so many stories that I believed this was real.
We spent every day together. I wanted to show you the world, I wanted to see your face light up as you experienced something new. Our first Christmas together, I knew you never got to experience Santa Claus growing up, so I took you to the mall to see him, but when you refused to sit on his lap since you were an adult, I made you become Santa instead.I took care of you when you were sick, when you got your wisdom teeth pulled. My favorite moments was after you finished work, I would be watching TV and you would crawl up the stairs, tired, and sluggish, but when you saw me, you would smile and say alllooooo. Every time it snowed, you came to shovel. You told me I couldn’t because if I ever fell and hurt my butt, you wouldn’t let me go to the doctor because he would want you and I was yours.
I believed every line you told me. You told me you that finding someone like me was like winning the lottery twice. You told me I was your best friend, that no one understood you better than me. You even told me all your friends were jealous that you had someone as wonderful as me and why would you ever leave me because you have the best in the world. You called me your gold.
You told me you loved me and I said it back. You gave me dreams of a life together if we could just figure out a few problems that we had. Even near the end, you talked about in the future buying land or a house together, you talked about taking me back to your country and how everyone would love me, I knew it would be difficult, and I was willing to deal with your shortfalls because I believed you were such a great guy.
Day by day, you made me love you more and more. I smiled every time I saw a text message, my eyes lit up the minute your phone call came through, and even with the language barrier, I couldn’t wait to sit next to you and just talk. When no one else could understand what you were trying to say, I understood you 97%. I remember you told me that all you think about is me and that you called your guy friends and co-workers baby on accident.
My favorite thing to do was watch you as you watched CNN, when you tried to translate, it was completely wrong and as we spent more time together, we did English lessons every day. Your broken English slowly made me melt and as I could see you attempt to tell me your feelings, it broke my walls down even more. At certain points, I chose never to correct you because certain words you would say like San Francisco, my last name, or learn me (teach me) was adorable.Before you met me, you never bought anything new. When you did meet me, we shopped together so you could have a whole new wardrobe. You wanted to make sure each time we were out together that you looked good for me. When we met my friends, you would be so concerned if the outfit was up to par.
You were not perfect, I knew that. Your life wasn’t stable, you may never make close what would be considered a good income here. My dreams of a big house, BMW for the man and Lexus for me was put aside along with endless trips around the world. And it scared me that I actually was ready to put aside my list of wants and settle. You even joked that if we ever got a divorce, we would go to the judge with two luggage. The one that you brought before you came to the US and then the one that you built with me.
I had not felt like this since my last love and with you, I really felt like I was the luckiest girl to find you. You may not have had everything I was looking for, especially career wise, but I didn’t care, I told myself money isn’t everything. We would work through it even if it meant giving up my dreams of staying home when I had kids while they were little. I was ok with that.
All my friends that met you thought you were so good to me that you were putting on an act. My best friend Lisa asked that when you picked us up after a trip. My other best friend’s boyfriend told me after meeting you, you were pure and a good guy.
I did everything for you. I helped you with every question that you had about the US, I introduced you to new things, cooked for you when you worked late. I even made you 40 days’ worth of cupcakes to freeze because your work hours were so early. I watched what restaurant I chose because of your budget. I never asked you for anything more than your love and attention, I never asked for fancy presents. I double-dated with your friends and I even met your cousin.
This was us when we were happy. I still don’t know where things went wrong.
When you knew I loved you, you took me for granted, you didn’t treat me the way I deserved. Your actions didn’t match the words that came out of your mouth. You told me I was the best, but you didn’t do what it took to keep me.
I started making my own plans, I started slowly removing you from my life, but for whatever reason, I didn’t fully let go. Maybe that was because you always found a way back to my heart when I was about to leave. You would say I was perfect, the one you would love to spend forever with but we had some problems, you told me I deserved better because you couldn’t provide, but if you are looking for a good guy, that is you. When your temperament changed, I still looked past it, hoping you would change each time you came back saying sorry. It kills me that there are barely any good memories of you and I at this point. Every memory is tainted with hate and anger towards you.
I know you never forgot one thing I did for you, but you couldn’t see that no one else would have done the same for you. I know because months after our last break-up, I went for one last visit and you kept every post-it (all 100 of them), notes, and gifts I ever gave you. You even kept all our pictures on your computer while I deleted and threw away anything that had your name written on it.
You never saw the look of sadness during our fights when I wished it was your text saying I’m sorry, I love you. You always had to be right. You couldn’t feel the pain in my heart when I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t enough. I didn’t understand why you wouldn’t communicate with me. You didn’t care about how much I tried to make you happy, nothing I did was right.
You didn’t see how hard I tried to dedicate my time to you when I didn’t have much spare time to begin with, but every moment was spent helping you. And at times, even though I was frustrated and tired, I would still help you because you were mine. I wasn’t perfect either, but I gave you my best, even when I had nothing left to give.
You thought my love for you was a game. You played it like a violin and kept me around when you had no intention of giving me the love I needed.
You destroyed me, you changed me, and I became someone who forgot their worth, I lost my confidence, and my sparkle that everyone else loved me for. You made me forget I was beautiful, I stopped being me.
I am sweet, fun, kind, caring, and many times the life of the party. I am the one who is always dressed to the nines with my nails done, eyebrows in check, and make-up on point. I stopped going to the gym to make time for you, I stopped taking care of me and that was my mistake.
For the first part of our love story, I believe it was fairly good. But after the second chapter, something changed. You stayed on your phone more, when I came over, you gave me a task list of things to help you with verses showing me how much you loved me or appreciated me. And when I got tired and didn’t want to do it, you lashed out at me instead of understanding how stressful things were. Everything revolved around your world and I came in second. I was your biggest supporter and you never saw that.
When I first met you, I believed I was so lucky. I was so innocent believing in love, believing that you would be there through the good and the bad, I believed that if I stuck by the bad times with you, things would change. I believed your flaws were temporary and I thanked God every night that I found someone who took care of me so well. I believed in shooting stars, in miracles, and I believed that good things happened to good people. I don’t anymore.
You made be blame myself for not being enough. When I cried, you told me I had to stop instead of understanding why I cried. The tears were like rivers and you would tell me to leave or go to another room instead of holding me and trying to make me stop. When I told you a story, you told me I complain too much and you can’t deal with it. When I didn’t give you my full attention when you talked, you never understood I heard every word you said instead of getting upset. When I questioned you, you told me I was crazy, that I was dramatic, that I drove you crazy and my favorite line that I walked on your nerve. You made me feel insane when I questioned who was on your phone.
You broke me in ways that no one has ever done. You caused pain in areas of my heart, I didn’t even know existed. You manipulated me time and time again to come back to you and forgive you.
In the end, I learned to accept that you never would admit that you were wrong. I would never hear the words “I’m sorry” for anything you did to me. It was me who ended up always saying “I’m sorry” even when I didn’t do anything wrong just so that we could keep the peace. I would never understand why you did the things you did. I will never understand the choices you made and how you could cheat and lie to someone who was only good to you. How you could take care of me and tell me you love me, but at the same time, hurt me. But I learned that the answer is not worth it.
But I thank you for the valuable lessons that you taught me. There is no price to pay for what you taught me. I thank God now that I saw your true colors before I invested more in the relationship.
I started living again after I left you. I was able to reach my goals that I had when you met me. I had been looking for a new job for a year and nothing good came along. When all the negative energy from you moved away, within 2 weeks a new opportunity rose.
I traveled again, explored again, and networked again. I wasn’t afraid to be myself, to be my care-free, charismatic, and fun self with everyone I met. I am the girl who talks to everyone, who is full of life. I forgot how beautiful I was, loving, and sweet I could be.
But from you, I learned to close my heart a little tighter before opening it to someone. With you, I fell so easily and I opened my heart and hand to you only to have my heart, both hands and feet cut off. I have my heart surrounded by 100 locks and the right man has to find all the keys to unlock it. I think twice before opening myself up to anyone and to be on guard at all times. I learned to understand not everyone is good and some will use you. Others will manipulate you and some will lie to you.
I question every word that comes of a person’s mouth. I think twice about every decision and I hold you at arm’s length until you truly have proven to be truly worthy enough to be let in.
You will see, I am different. I don’t believe in roses and rainbows like I did when I met you. You took that innocent sparkle from my eyes, instead you will see my eyes are a little wiser. I always have one eye open, I ask questions, and I take my time. If you look at me, you see someone who has their life together, but if you look close you can see all the broken pieces and like humpty-dumpty, when I finally put myself together again, I wasn’t perfect, I wasn’t the person I was before. I am slightly scared, slightly imperfect, but I have learned to love myself again and more.
Overtime, the cuts you caused will heal. The scars that have already healed have made me truly cherish the good people in my life. All those who stood by me as I struggled with the broken person you left with your web of lies will never be forgotten. It took a village of amazing friends to help me recover from all the lashes you hit me with.
Because of you, my friendships grew even stronger, new friendships were created, and lots of new experiences rose out of the pain. And thanks to you, I know when to spot red flags sooner, and I will be even more ready to love deeper when the right one walks in.
I thought the scars would make me someone tainted, but they have actually made me stronger.
Because of you, my life has exponentially gotten better. I got rid of something negative to allow all the positive blessings to come in my life. I am a stronger woman and I have a better life and the lessons I learned from you only made me a better version of me.
I hope you think of me from time to time and one day you will feel a small pain for all the wrongs you did to me. I hope you realize my worth and that no one else is like me. That everything I did for you, even if I didn’t do it with a smile isn’t something that no one else would have been as patient to handle you at your worst moments.
You will realize that all those things that you made an issue out of our relationship like the fact that I was messy, I couldn’t sit still, I talked a million miles an hour, or I didn’t have time to always dress up like I was going to a gala for you wasn’t important. It was a big deal that when I was with you, I was 100% with you, I helped you get your first interview here, I introduced you to all my friends, I made your first haftsin in the US because you didn’t have a place of your own, I cooked food for you every day when you worked 15 hour days, and I loved you when you had absolutely nothing to give me other than what I believed was your love.
One day I’ll be with someone who truly values me and will never let me go. Maybe you will hear through the grapevine and as much as you will say it doesn’t bother you, it will. You will think about how amazing I treated you and that it was you who chose to let me go. Flashes of the small things I did for you like wake up at 2 or 3 AM when you had to be on the job site to make your tea, lunch, and give you a kiss good-bye even when I could barely open my eyes. I hope you feel your heart sinking and a moment of regret.
You will realize, you should have treated me right when you had me. You should have said sorry for everything you did wrong. You should have told me the truth when I asked you. You will realize that girl you cared for is not the same person, she is so much better and better without you in it and when you said I deserved better, it was the only truth that you told me.
You will understand that I was the girl who would have given you everything. I would have taken care of you like no one else, loved you unconditionally, and never cheated on you. While you were looking for something better, you never realized you had the best right in front of you and that’s the girl you should have done everything to try to keep.
You may have hurt me once, but now the pain has passed and I am better and one day the pain will completely be gone, but you are the one who lost the girl who would have done anything to make you happy. In this day and age, it’s not easy to find unconditional love.