I was having dinner with my best friend Debbie who has been with me through every painstaking or hilarious date, she actually wants to get my DNA tested.  She thinks there is something in there and I agree.

And I reiterate, I never do anything, I’m never the prettiest girl, and I don’t even flirt, I am actually super lame and 99% of the time, I don’t even realize there is anyone around me or if someone is trying to get my attention.  This has been brought to my attention by Joe, Moon, Nicole, Lisa, Savoy, and so many other people.  I was telling this to Cindy and she said have charisma.  I guess if you mean falling, tripping, and being an absolute dork is charismatic, sure.

A lot of the stories below were pre-Cindy days, but omg, she witnessed a lot during my early 20’s and poor Cindy had to literally play the gatekeeper at times.

As we relived some of them and talked about new stories, Debbie said that I need to write them down with someone who was a witness because normally it’s very hard to believe.

Lisa has witnessed many of these encounters and I was telling her about my latest fiasco and she laughed because I said the other day that it is not normal and I don’t do anything.  She said it’s true, you don’t do anything, but your life is hilarious and you just walk.  I said, yes walk and breathe, I don’t even have to shake my money maker or smile.

And as I get older, I completely agree, the random events in my life doesn’t happen to everyone, but it is exhausting.  I’m only going to share some of the highlights. A core group of my best friends know every story, but that would be a book in itself.  Sadly, I deleted most of the screenshots I sent to my girlfriends back in my younger days, so I only have some.

I’ve been fairly lucky that most of the guys I meet in any settings have always turned out to be decent men.  Of course I’ve run into a few scumbags, who hasn’t, but compared to others, not as many as I’ve heard from other girls.

I swear I have heard everything under the Tuscan sun through the years. So here is a summary of the highlights that I can remember, there are so many great ones I’m sure I forgot some.

MEMORABLE STORIES

Things men should NOT say:

Your skin is as soft as a….WALRUS

When Shari was single and ready to mingle, I had just broken-up, so I wasn’t looking for anyone, which made me the best wing-woman.  We were at Bar Louie one night and this group of IT guys asked us to join their table. Shari pulled me aside and said she liked this guy and if I was ok alone.  I said sure, I’ll be sitting right over here.  Next thing I know, one of his co-worker came over and started talking to me.  He was really flirtatious and a few minutes later he said, “Baby, your skin is as soft as a walrus. Will you go out with me?”  First off, how does he know what a walrus feels like and when would that ever be a compliment.  Shari and the guy had to come rescue me as walrus man tried to fling himself on me.  The sacrifices I make for my friends as a wing-woman.

I’m different than other Persian men

One epic night at Barcode, I don’t remember this, but my friends reminded me, as I was walking out, a guy approached me.  When he asked me for my name, I said are you Persian?  He said yes and I kept walking, at that time I was done with Persian men…He yelled, “I’m different than other Persian men, I drive a white BMW.”  PS, so did my ex and the one before that drove a black BMW.

Forbidden Fruit…

I only remembered this because we were watching Shahs of Sunset and Mike called himself the forbidden fruit. I turned to Sanam and said where have we heard that line and she reminded me about A. I was out with Sanam and Miranda one night and we ran into one of their good friends.  We will nickname him A. I had never met him before, I wasn’t in the party crowd, so I had never met him before. He introduced himself and as the girls danced the night away, he came over to try to dance with me. I left to go talk with Sanam and he came over yelling, why are you running away from me?  You are like a forbidden fruit I want to bite.  At that moment, me and Sanam just turned around and busted up laughing and to this day we joke at times that I am the forbidden fruit with her Persian accent.

Name your goldfish after me?

Yes, this totally happened.  During my first few months in DC, I went out a lot to explore the city and meet people.  I met R through Desiree and he seemed well accomplished. He heard me talk about how I was looking for better opportunities.  After meeting a couple of times, he said he will help connect me to any of his contacts.  He gave me his number and when I pulled him up in my phone I already had another “Raj” in my phone and he was offended.  He said he should be #1 in my phone, so he made me name him Raj #1 and he said if I get a job with his help, he gets to take me to dinner and I have to name a goldfish after him.

I never spoke to him after that, but as fate would have it, fast forward a few years later.  Desiree and I were out at a local bar and he happened to be there. He came over chatted and asked if I remembered him.  I did, but I shook his hand and said, sorry no I don’t.  He said, please tell me you remember me, maybe it’s the facial hair?  Here is an old picture.  I just looked and then said, I’m sorry I got in a car accident, which was absolutely true and that my memory is hazy from it.

She only used me for groceries!

I met R (Not the same as above) when I was out with Desiree at a rooftop party. That night the metro closed and he offered a ride home. We became friends, or I thought just friends.  At the time, I didn’t have a car and he lived right by me.  So he would offer to take me to the groceries.  I thought that was really nice because again, it’s something I would do.  But I guess he thought it was a gateway to become more serious?  He went to our group of friends and asked her where I have been.  She said, oh she’s been busy with work and her boyfriend is back in town.  He travels for work.  He apparently was really angry and told Des I only used him for groceries and things with us was never the same again.

I just turned straight.

Yes, this absolutely happened to me and apparently I have the power to turn gay men straight.  I met V out at a bar in Chinatown with Des.  Supposedly, we “hit” it off right away. He asked me out each week and he drove 2 hours to come on our first date.  We saw each other very briefly, I think maybe a month and one night he met me in the city while Des and I were at an event.  My shirt at the time was really sparkly and he came up and gave me a kiss and then told me how beautiful I looked. He asked me to do a spin. I made a joke that he’s just jealous of not having a closet like mine.  He said “I do.”  I said what?  He said yes, I have a closet full, I just turned straight.  I was dying and ran to Des, that was the last time we saw each other.

A few months later, he messaged me that he was getting married.  He had apparently rekindled with someone from his past and he just knew it was right.  I congratulated him and told Des. She told me to ask for a picture or details and when I did, he avoided the questions and asked how I was, how he forgave me for walking away when he told me about his past, and that he hoped I found someone special.  When I said, no just enjoying life, he asked to meet up for coffee. I said I don’t think your new wife will like that.  No response ever again.

I will break your legs…

All my girlfriends know K in our group of friends has always had a slight crush on me.  He randomly calls me to ask me out to dinner and when we ever see each other at a group function, he’s always flirting with me.kylo

Most Memorable Bachelors:

Every second is like a year…

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Can you take our picture?

Sanam refuses to let me open my mouth when we are out in public anymore after this.  She said if I want to ask anything, she will be the messenger and all because of this one experience.  Sanam, Kriti, Shubi, and Kevon were out and I asked for a group picture. I handed my phone to this guy and he said that he would not take it without getting my phone number. So I took my phone back and said never mind, I’ll find someone else.  He said, no no no, I’m just kidding.  So he took my phone and took the pictures, which were really good.  But what I didn’t know is that he called his phone with my phone to get my number.  All I wanted was a picture!!!!

Your schedule is busier than Obama

2Did you die?

When you don’t have a place in my life anymore, I delete your number.  That’s just how I am.  Once I’m done, I’m done.  So randomly I’ll get messages from people, this was from someone I dated right before I left Utah.  Obviously that was a LONG time ago, so I didn’t have his number.  So when I asked who it was and said I didn’t have his number, his response was to be offended.  Then when I didn’t answer, he asked if I died.  Obviously not, I just choose to ignore.hamed

You will never find anyone who loves you like me.

I met R the same night I met S.  R and I only went out once and then I ended things for S.  When I did, he called me a coward, he said he knew that I was afraid of men, but he is different. He will love me like no one else, I am perfect.  I told him, I’m sorry but it’s not him, I can’t.  If he wants to be friends, sure, but realistically we would not be friends.  It would just fizzle out.  He wrote me a slew of messages saying I’m crazy, I’m missing out, I’m just afraid to love, and I will never find anyone as “good-looking” as him that loves me as much as him.  I forwarded them to my friend Anita and she was like omg, but in one message where I said he’s so dramatic, it accidentally flipped back to him.  At that point, he went crazy and said I will be alone forever and that he was the best one and I’ll never find another, etc…

Other Random Stories:

What do you do?

Ugh, you know I hate this line. I firmly believe your job should not define you, but I guess this line works too.

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You can do better…

At my last job, all my co-workers laughed at the IT guy who had a crush on me.  This guy would leave stuff at my desk when I was out from his travels.  He tried to ask me to lunch and when I said I was busy, he went to my boss to ask her to give me time and he even tried to go home on the same metro trains as me.  My co-workers told him I was taken, but he didn’t believe it.

One day my boyfriend at the time and I were grocery shopping and we ran into him.  We cordially said hello. After we left, I got a message in the phone saying “You can do better than him.”  Obviously I quickly deleted the message.

Let’s network…

I had dated H a long time ago for a very brief moment in my life.  We met through my best friend Sanam when she was in town.  I was just meeting up with her and a few other friends at a local bar before I had to run to my next obligation.  H happened to be there at the same time and it wasn’t planned.  He introduced himself to me and we said maybe 3 words when I had to run off.  When I got in my car, I heard a knock on my window and he motioned me to roll down the window.  He said, I’m sad you cannot stay longer, but I wanted to get your number before you left, you know to network because we both were in banking at the time.  I said sure and when I got home, he asked me out to the movies, so clearly there was no “networking” intended.

One Day Love will Pass You

I had only gone out with V a few times. And he was absolutely a perfect gentleman and a great catch.  But for whatever reason, I just was not attracted, I couldn’t even think about anything more than a hug.  My rule is that for whatever reason, you can lean in with someone you just met out, but if you can’t lean in after a few dates, then you have to set the person free.  He kept asking for more dates and finally I wrote him a long message telling him how great he was, but that I wasn’t in a good place at the time for anything serious, which was true in some sense.  He wrote me a slew of angry messages about how he cared, but that I was just using him, how nice guys finish last, etc… A few days later I got this apology from him, well it was an apology with a mini- “I hope you will be alone forever” message behind it.

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Do you want a sample?

I was helping Amany get ready for a birthday party and we were rushing through Costco in gym clothes.  I grabbed an orange sample and ran off to the fruit area. Apparently, he asked Amany for my number and when I was grabbing some bananas, I get a message on my phone, “This is Ali. Your friend gave me your number.”

I almost killed her.  I wasn’t looking for anything, I just wanted a sample from Costco!

Ali was very handsome, he worked full-time in a bio-med lab and part-time at Costco. We went out and we had a great time, but he asked if my parents would approve of him on date #3.  I didn’t know how to handle it and I sort of got scared.  I remember he said, I’m never going to see you again right?  I said, no, we will, but after that I just told him I wasn’t ready to move that quickly.

The International Stories

Jamaica- No Problem 

I was with Lisa in Jamaica, two men saw us walking pass Margaritaville from the back deck and told us to wait. They ran all the way to the front of the building and asked us to come in. We said we’ll be back. Then one of them said, “We won’t breathe until you come back.”  Well, they won’t be breathing for a long time then.

We were at a beach near Rick’s Café in Jamaica. Walter was our cabana boy, Lisa decided to tan and I walked the beach, which is my usual.  I can walk the beach for hours.  I started walking and maybe a mile down the beach I hear someone yelling “Linda, Linda, wait for me.”  I turn around and its Walter, our cabana boy.  He asked if he could walk with me, he asked his manager for time off to run after the love of his life.  I told him I just wanted to walk alone. He told me, the moment he saw me walk in, he knew he wanted me, but didn’t dare say it in front of Lisa.  He told me all of his assets and that he can take care of me. I told him he can find anyone else here, he has plenty of women to choose from. He told me, yes, but when he falls in love, he wants to really fall. Please let him love me.  Thank goodness, Lisa must have had a beacon, all of a sudden his walkie talkie went off and it was his manager saying, Paula (Our tour guide) requests you escort Linda back immediately.  He gave me his number and asked me to consider letting him be my boyfriend.  Paula and Lisa were dying in the car and Paula said, you are going to break his heart.

Turkey- Just a couple Turkish delights

I was shopping at the Grand Bazaar and when I stopped in at a shop when a charismatic salesman asked me to come look.  I saw a bunch of stuff I wanted, but being Asian, I was playing it cool to see what deal he would give me.

After a few minutes, he said he will give me the best deal because I’m his Juliet and he is my Romeo.  I said you say that to everyone. He said no, did I say it to your friend here?  He then started singing: 1,2, I love you, 3, 4, give me more, etc…

He said, that to get the best deal, I have to promise to go on a date at 7.  I said, I cannot because of my friend, he said don’t worry, I will get someone for her.  I told him to keep the stuff aside and I’ll be back with money.  Really I wanted to see if other places could beat the price and no one else could. He gave me 50% lower than any other vendor.

We left and came back later to pick up the items. Luckily, Romeo wasn’t there and we continued shopping. On the way back, we spotted him, I told Lisa he would never recognize me because I changed clothes, put a scarf on as well.  As I walked by, he started yelling, “my Juliet, where are you going, why didn’t you keep your promise to me?”

Mashallah

Lisa is amazing when it comes to directions.  Where I am weak, she is strong.  We were walking through the streets trying to find a sight.  A really good looking guy was talking on his cell phone and walking.  We were the only ones on the street at that time and he puts his phone down and says, “Mashallah (Beautiful), you are the most beautiful woman in the world. I want you!”  Lisa says keep walking and then as I walk by, he’s like you look lost, how can I help you?  Lisa says, we are not lost.  At that point, she realized, it’s the other direction, so we turn around.  He’s like I just want to talk to the most beautiful woman, your friend. And I can help you, you are lost.  Lisa tells him again, “We are NOT lost.”  He says, well you just walked past me and then turned around.  Good call.

The Love Boat-You do not have a boyfriend

Lisa and I went on a cruise about 2 years ago (right before I was in a relationship) with a bunch of her friends.  We became gambling addicts, especially with Blackjack.  Well, by the end of the cruise, everyone knew our names.  We were the “fun” blackjack girls because we had no strategy at all.

One night, I was sitting next to this guy who just got married.  He was very flirty and when I was about to leave the table, he gave me more money to stay because he said I was his “good luck.”  Then he started getting frisky, he told me to come to his room. I told him, he’s married. He said, so.  Then I said, my boyfriend would not like this very much.  He said, I don’t think you have a boyfriend, where is he?  I said, he didn’t come on this trip, it’s just a girl’s trip.  I said, I love him very much and I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him.

Everyone on the table was watching this scene go down.  And of course, I was like Lisa, isn’t my boyfriend great?  She said yes. Well, on the other side was Philip.  Apparently, he nudged Lisa and said, she doesn’t have a boyfriend, right?  She’s single?  Lisa being so honest, laughed and said, yes she’s single.

When we left the table, Philip came over to me and said, your friend told me you are single.  Why is a beautiful girl like you single?  And after that, every time he saw me he kept trying to get me to go on a “cruise-date.”

Are you open to love?

Then one night I was walking with S, one of our friend’s brothers.  He asked me if I was single and I said for now, I choose to be.  He asked if I was open to being in love and what type of men am I interested in.  He said, he’s looking for the one to love, the one to take care of, and if I would be interested in him.  I went back to the room and told Lisa.  I told her, all I wanted to do was go on a walk ALONE and he followed me and now look.  Lisa just laughed.

Some Bitter-Sweet Moments

You are blacklisted from my life…

The older I get, the more I realized that girls and guys cannot just be friends.  J and I met at an MBA conference. I was friends with his classmate Rico and when we were out one night, Rico introduced us.  He asked me that night to show me around his city, but I had a flight the next morning. Over 3 years, we stayed in touch and he became my best friend and that was it. We never had any type of physical relationship other than a hug good-bye.

We spoke every night, he was my rock through every decision I had to make with my career and I was his.  When I moved to DC, he asked if he could come visit.  I said sure and I would be a great tour guide.

He was here for 3 days and the first 2 days were amazing.  Then on the last night, we went out with my friends and I was texting S at the time at the bar. J looked at my phone and took it and said, “Who is this guy?”  I said my boyfriend, why?

I had never seen him mad, but he said, why didn’t you tell me you had a boyfriend?  I said you never asked, plus your dating someone long distance too.  He said no, he had broken up with her over a year at that point.

I asked him why he was so angry, he said, I came here to tell you I loved you.  Then I told him, you should have told me your intentions before you booked your plane ticket.

At that point, I knew I lost my best friend, 3 years of friendship, and a great person in my life.  And the next 24 hours was the most awkward moment in my life.  After he flew back to Texas, he reached out to me one last time and because I didn’t answer immediately (I was taking a shower), he followed up with a message saying goodbye and that because I was ignoring him, he is black-listing me from his life and that was the last time we ever spoke.  I tried to make amends, but he didn’t want anything to do with me.

The sad part is I still think about him from time to time. I miss his friendship, our endless conversations about anything, and I hope that he is happy and I truly wish him the best. It is just unfortunate everything had to fall apart the way it did.

I would have broken your heart anyways.

I dated J for 2 months at most.  I swear it took almost 6 months to stop hearing from him.  He just wasn’t a right fit for me.  He was very rigid, task based, and Type A personality.  I was too carefree for him.  We also didn’t have good compatibility.

He quickly had flashes of a family together with us and I had to break his heart when I ended things because I met S.  When I went to end things in person, which I believe was always the right thing in my younger days.  He did not take it well and as I was trying to leave, he grabbed my arm and said, “Linda, I have an ultimatum for you.  If you cannot see yourself having my babies, then we are done. I’m not asking you today, but maybe a year.”  And I walked out and that’s it.  Well, I don’t know if he knew, but it takes 9 months to make a baby.  I think he messaged me for almost 4 months saying that we can work and finally when I said no, I am with someone else.  He told me, “Good thing you are not with me. I would have broken your heart anyways.  You saved yourself a heart ache.”

Fast forward, 4 years later, I got a random text from him.  So I was telling my neighbor and mentioned they worked in the same and she actually knew him way back when.

cymera_20150310_173653cymera_20150312_141336-1cymera_20150320_100324He tried to meet up with me a few times, but I just felt a bad feeling about it.  The funny things is that we can’t even be friends. We never were friends to begin with. I do feel bad that after all these years he hasn’t found “the one.”  He wasn’t a bad guy, he just wasn’t good for me.

Wait you are not in love with a girl?

This story is a reminder that it is really hard for guys and girls to be “just friends.”  B was my very first friend in DC. He was fantastic, he helped me so much with everything, but he wanted to be more than friends and I felt that it was only right to tell him I was seeing someone, but I wanted to be friends. Again, this was in my young and naïve days.

He said he couldn’t talk to me anymore, but after about 3 months he reached out and said he would love to have me be friends. He just got hurt about being rejected.  So we became extremely good friends who talked about everything including jobs, life decisions, and our current relationships.  Almost 3 years of friendship and when I ended things with S, he called me over to console me.  Well, at that time, he also made a move on me as I was crying my eyes out in his living room.  He told me he was going to break-up with his girlfriend for me because he wouldn’t have another chance.  That was the last night we ever saw each other again.  I said, it’s not right and he needs to commit to the person he is currently with.

Fast forward a year later, he messaged me again.  He apologized and asked immediately if I was seeing anyone.  I told him yes and he asked for information about the guy. So to teach him a lesson, I told him, she’s great and she is the best person ever.

After that every 6 months or so he asked how me and my girlfriend were. I used Lisa and said we were traveling together.  Lisa solely approves of me using her.  A few months ago he messaged me again, finally I said, you know I’m not in love with a girl right?  I still like guys.

He admitted he thought it was a joke at first, but then believed it.  Once he found that out, floodgates opened again and he asked to meet up, but that he could not tell his girlfriend, who I later found out was his fiancé.  That we always had chemistry. I wrote him a long message saying we had a great few years, but this is where our road ends, especially since he’s engaged.  I wasn’t going to put myself or the fiancé in that position.  I told him honestly that the grass is not always greener and he ruined his last relationship with this problem.  I said, this time try to think with your mind instead of other parts of your body.  His response was “Do you think I’m that type of guy.”  I said, sadly…now I do.

Current Love Situation

After A, I decided to take a long break and just focus on me. But I swear, when you just want to focus on you, it’s when people try to knock you off your path.  I just think I need to make goals for me and work on me.  I believe there is nothing wrong. I am spent a lot of energy in the last relationship and I am not ready to add another person in my life right now and I don’t think I can mentally trust so soon or commit.

But here it goes.

You are not even reading my texts

M and I are just friends, but again, someone caught feelings. And I have a lot of friends already and if you are my friend and cannot pull through with a simple request, you’re done.  I don’t have room in my life for friend who fail.  I had asked him to pick me up from the airport and he said yes. On the day of, he said he had a meeting in DC and couldn’t pick me up.  After he never even checked in to see how I got home.  At that point, as a friend, if I cannot even count on you for a simple task, I don’t need you in my life.  And this is the aftermath…It was endless FB messages, texts, and Snapchats.

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And I don’t know why he calls me babe or baby, we haven’t even kissed!  We are just friends.  And obviously he means so much to me because I didn’t even know his name right and he still wants to talk.  If that was me, I would realize that it is time to give up.

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I just wanted Arabic lessons

I decided this year I made 4 goals for myself.  Travel more, lose a lot of weight, learn languages (Vietnamese, Farsi, Arabic, and Spanish.  And since I have a French speaking co-worker, a little French), get in amazing shape, and my last goal is slightly unrealistic become an Instagram star.

I had asked about Arabic lessons and someone sent out an email for me.  Someone responded saying they would be happy to help.  In my head, I thought it was a nice old man who would want to teach.  I don’t know why.

We met up at Starbucks and as we went along with the lesson.  He kept saying he didn’t expect me to be so smart and that I was very serious about learning. I said, yes, that’s why I’m here.  Well, when we said good-bye, he decided I guess that was the perfect time to go in for a kiss.

So there goes my Arabic teacher. We only made it one lesson and after that he asked me on an official date.  I told him I have nothing to offer.  And hopefully that is where we end!

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