I honestly cannot believe that it has been 3 months since I have been single. I think I have been able to move forward very well, but I have had a few setbacks.
Here are a few of my lessons:
1. No talking to your ex. Forget and move on. His life, what he does, if he is happy, miserable, or in limbo…it is no longer your job to know.
2. Believing that there is still good in him and he would still be good to you.
3. No talking about your ex. Good or bad memories. It is done, time to forget.
4. Thinking that you’ll never find another. There are 6 billion people in the world. There will be another, a better person, who can give you everything you want.
5. Being single sucks. At first, I let this get to me. Actually, during the past 3 months, I’ve made over 30 new friends that I treasure to death, gotten to do so many things I would not have done, and gone out with so many different guys, so when I finally do want to settle down, I’ll have dated enough to know what I want. It’s mainly been my choice to say yes I’ll go on a date or next. It feels liberating.
Now this is my blog and overall if I was in the 5 grieving process steps I have finally finished:
I am done, ready to move on, ready to turn the next chapter of my life…a better one, a brighter one, a happier one.
1. Denial and isolation. This went on for 3 weeks. I kept thinking that if I contacted him enough with good memories he would come back. I isolated myself for a week. Let’s be honest, I can’t isolate myself for too long, I love people too much.
2. Bargaining. This happened the first month. I promised to change. I promised to take some of the things I wanted off the table like a marriage in the next few years.
3. Depression. That happened in month 2. There were weeks when I could not sleep because my heart hurt so much. I missed him so much, I missed what we had. I missed writing him notes in his lunch boxes, tucking the blanket over his feet, having him surprise me at home with a random plan, the constant text messages. I missed surprising him with gifts; I was so upset when I could not celebrate his birthday with him. I kept replaying where things went wrong and if he ever loved me. If what I believed was love was actually love or was he really good at pretending. That was the worst period that I let myself go through. I even resorted to drinking a few times, just to make myself forget, to be able to fall asleep.
4. Acceptance. At month 3ish after starting hot yoga and a bunch of help from amazing friends I started to move on. I accepted he will never come back. I accepted he was not the right one. He never had true intentions to truly give me his heart like I did. He may never have loved me and all in all he left me. I was not worth for him to find one reason to make it work. We are done. No take backs now. He broke my heart and I would never want anyone to break my heart like that again.
5. Anger. I truly never had anger for him until now. All of my best friends kept saying I hate sad Linda. I have never seen sad Linda and I want to see angry Linda.
Well today I finished the final step of the grieving process.
Right when I started to be ok again, that’s when I received a phone call from S.
I cried on the phone. I did not mean to, but talking to him opened so much pain. Both he and the girl emotionally damaged me. The two different sides of the story, but the past is the past. He asked if I was dating anyone…I broke down and told him how, I gave him my entire heart and he broke it. He claims he gave me his as well. I do not think he knows what it truly is to give your entire heart. For me, he becomes your world, you do whatever it takes to keep him, he is more important to you than even your own needs. I told him unlike him who moved on so quickly, how do I trust again, how do I open my heart, how do I love when what I thought was love was a lie.
He told me his life was not the same. In my head, duh…you don’t have someone making it exciting, different, making the most out of life every day. That is me, I made him go on every ride at Kings Dominion, take him to NYC, Niagara Falls, and Cancun. I took him to different events, activities like ice skating, and different restaurants. I took him to every monument, everything revolved around him.
The worst was when he told me he does not love the girl and not close to loving her. He loved me for two years and was happy and still loves me. No he does not. If he loved me, no way could he hurt me like this. If you love someone, you don’t ever want to hurt them, you will do what it takes to protect them, to respect them and keep them happy.
I am sure all of you have gone through this and it feels amazing to write this down and after this be free. Be done, move on, not be sad or angry! From all my heartache, here is where I hit my anger stage, what I want to say and I never curse, so you know how bad it is:
FU, FU for your lies, messing with my heart and my head. FU for making me stop believing in love, stop trusting men, and treating me like trash and going for a horrible person to replace me. You can’t replace me. FU for making me stop believing in a fairy tale and a happily ever after. FU for making me believe there is good inside you; I don’t know if there is if you can do this to me after all I did was love and treat you so well.
FU for letting me give my heart to you and breaking it, for you lying to me when you called. You said you loved me and that you still love me and things were not good in the other relationship. BS. If you loved me you would have made us work. FU for telling me you are not happy in the other relationship because if it was that bad, you would have ended things because you walked away from a relationship so easily with me. Not even a thought, a tear, a piece of regret. You just walked away.
FU for ruining our trip to Cancun. FU for taking away my dream of swimming with the whale sharks, dolphin, manatee, and sea lion. FU for promising to pay your portion of the airline credits after you broke my heart and still not giving the money. You have said you would write me a check for 3 months.
FU for you trying to make yourself feel good by offering to always be here, but in the end you are still a jerk and how you ended things was horrible. I don’t need you; I don’t want anything from you. You made me believe that we had a future. I remember you drove me to your house and asked if I liked the street because this was our future street…LIES. You made me love you unconditionally, but you were never serious about me. You lead me believe all this when you had no intention of keeping me around.
I wish I never gave you my heart, committed so early, never believed when you said I love you, and loved you so much. FU