To the man I should have let go

We’ve all met that person who you held onto a little too long. The one you knew wasn’t Mr. Forever, but for whatever reason, you couldn’t seem to let go.  Maybe you held onto him for passion, the convenience, or simply the companionship. Whatever the reason, you didn’t let go when you were supposed to, you got burned.

It’s the person where you break-up and make-up to the point where you realize you were broken-up more often than you were together.

A was the first person I opened my heart to since the break-up with S. It had been years since I felt this way. He came into my life when I least expected it and to be truthful, I didn’t think we would go further than maybe a second date.

He won my heart with his cooking and actions.  He absolutely did not win my heart with his words, his English was fairly broken, but to me it added a layer of sweetness and maybe he knew that.  I even found myself purposely choosing not to correct him because certain things were very adorable like how he would say San Francisco.

For 3 months, each day he would cook dinner at his house and bring it to mine.  We would share a meal and he would go back home. He wanted to spend every minute with me and made sure to insert himself into my life. He would happily volunteer to fix anything in my home and car. He insisted on coming to the doctors with me just to hold my hand, even when I repeatedly said no. He seemed too good to be true.

My best friends who met him asked if he was putting on an act to impress them.  I said no.  So how can a person like this become someone I should have let go?

We both wanted different things. I was in a place to settle down, his life was unstable.  Each time I broke it off, he would come back after a few weeks telling me we’d work out if we gave it time.  Against better judgement, we tried to fit a square into a circle, resentment grew on both ends.

I cannot tell you why I would always believe it would work with another chance.  Then one day he lost his temper and I walked away.  Hundreds of “I’m sorry” messages would flood my phone and promising to change and stupidly I did take him back.  I ask myself why all the time and the answer is I don’t know.

The trust was never there again after that. We weren’t happy, each happy moment was ruined with some type of fight.  It became a chore versus an adventure to see each other.

I walked on eggshells, I changed who I was around him, and the entire relationship was different.  By staying in a toxic, unhealthy relationship, I was more broken than him.  I became insecure, I forgot my worth at some points, and I gave so much of myself to be in that relationship, it consumed me.

I couldn’t let some of the lies that I caught him in go, I wanted the truth and for him to feel remorse.  I should have walked away.  Someone like that will never feel any remorse for all the web of lies they have created.  Our ending was dramatic, like a tele-novella soap opera and you know Taylor Swift’s song…We are never ever getting back together again?  I can best describe our ending like the Titanic sinking and once it sank to the bottom of the ocean, a missile was sent to make sure there was no evidence left.

After I walked out, I felt so broken and naïve. I couldn’t recognize myself. I was so grateful that I had an entire group of friends remind me who I was and that this wasn’t about me. It was clearly about him and his insecurities.

Karen said it best. Overall, I’ve had been surrounded by and I’ve personally been in good relationships. I grew up in a good family, and love always seemed to be black and white. This was the first time, I had a truly bad relationship, but I should take the lessons, learn from them, and not repeat them again.

• Learn to walk away when you see red flags, it will only get worse.
• You shouldn’t open your heart so easily at first and don’t turn a blind eye to something in the relationship that doesn’t feel right.
• Even if you don’t have a solid reason why you feel that something is wrong, trust your gut, ask questions because an honest guy will answer it without becoming defensive.
• Don’t deal with someone with a temper, it will get to a boiling point if you both have a fiery personality.
• Being in a relationship should have more happy moments than tears.
• You shouldn’t be afraid to express yourself and you shouldn’t feel like you need to change yourself.