Dating Carousel

To the man I was in love with and should have let go

We’ve all met that person who you held onto a little too long. The one when you knew he wasn’t Mr. Forever, but for whatever reason, you can’t seem to let go.  Maybe you held onto him for the passion, for the convenience, for the companionship, whatever the reason was because you didn’t let go when you were supposed to, you got burned.

It’s the person where you break-up and make-up to the point where you realize you were broken up more often than when you were together.

A was the first person I opened my heart for a long time. It had been years since I felt this way. He came into my life when I least expected it and to be truthful, I didn’t think we would go further than maybe a second date.

He won my heart with his cooking and actions.  He absolutely did not win my heart with his words, his English was fairly broken, but to me it added a layer of sweetness and maybe he knew that.  I even found myself purposely choosing not to correct him because certain things were very adorable like how he would say San Francisco.

For 3 months, every day he would cook dinner at his house and bring it to mine.  We would share a meal and he would go back home.  He seemed too good to be true.  He wanted to spend every minute, if I needed anything fixed with my car, home, etc… he was there.  And he was that person who would be with me at the doctors, even when I insisted that I didn’t need anyone to hold my hand.

My best friends who met him even asked if he was putting on an act to impress them.  I said no.  So how can a person like this become someone I should have let go?

The answer still to this day is I don’t know.  We had a great relationship, but a piece of me always held back.  For whatever reason, I never told my family about him, I only brought him out to a few events, and as we discussed the future, that’s when I realized we weren’t a good fit.

We both wanted different things. I was in a place to settle down, his life was unstable.  Each time I broke it off, he would come back after a few weeks promising to be different.  As we continually tried to fit a square into a circle, resentment grew on both ends.

I cannot tell you why I would always believe it would work with another chance.  Then one day he lost his temper.  And soon after hundreds of “I’m sorry” messages would flood my phone and promising to change and stupidly I did take him back.  I ask myself why all the time and the answer is I don’t know.

The trust was never there again after that. The trust that he was loyal to me as much as I was to him, it just was wasn’t there, which later turned out to be true why they say always trust your gut.  We weren’t happy, each happy moment was ruined with some type of fight.  And it became a chore versus an adventure to see each other.  But it was like an addiction, you would always go back.

I walked on eggshells, I changed who I was around him, and the entire relationship was different.  And in the end, by staying in a toxic, unhealthy relationship, it was me who was more broken than him.  I became insecure, I forgot my worth at some points, and I gave so much of myself to be in that relationship, it consumed me.

I couldn’t let the lies go, I wanted the truth and for him to feel remorse.  I should have walked away.  Someone like that will never feel any remorse for all the web of lies they have created.  Our ending was  dramatic, like a tele-novela soap opera and you know Taylor Swift’s song…We are never ever getting back together again?  I can best describe our ending like the titanic sinking and once it sank to the bottom of the ocean, a missile was sent to make sure there was no evidence left.

I realized that wasn’t me in the relationship and honestly if I ever see him again, it will be too soon.  I am charming, a free-spirit, the life of the party, and I love traveling and I love life.

After I walked out, I felt so broken and it took an amazing group of friends who checked-in and told me how it had nothing to do with me.  They reminded me, someone who can do this isn’t someone I want to end up with.  That while it hurt now, it’s better to pull off the Band-Aid now than down the road.  I don’t even know why I stayed, but what I have to say I understand a piece of why someone in an abusive relationship finds it so hard to leave. Even the smartest women can fall prey and you don’t know how, but your there.

Karen said it best where overall, I’ve had good relationships. I grew up in a good family, and love always seemed to be black and white. This was the first time, I had a truly bad relationship, but I should take the lessons, learn from them, and not repeat them again.

And the lessons I have taken from this is to walk away when you see red flags. It will only get worst. You shouldn’t open your heart so easily at first and don’t turn a blind eye to something in the relationship that doesn’t feel right.  Even if you don’t have a solid reason why you feel that something is wrong, trust your gut, ask questions because an honest guy will answer it without becoming defensive.

Don’t deal with someone with a temper, it will get to a boiling point if you both have a fiery personality.  Being in a relationship should have more happy moments than tears.  You shouldn’t be afraid to express yourself and you shouldn’t feel like you need to change yourself.

Even though this particular relationship was the most painful, it was also the most valuable relationship because of everything I have taken away.

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